


The Other Side of Forever

by Kalkasar (Mordhena)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Based on a Savage Garden song, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Music, M/M, Songfic, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 04:50:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17760101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mordhena/pseuds/Kalkasar
Summary: In memoriam for my mother, for Georgie, for William and for all the others I know waiting on the other side of forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **  
> **  
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE REFERENCES  
>   
> 
> The Lyrics to the song "You Can Still Be Free" Belong to Savage Garden, D  
> Hayes and D Jones and were the inspiration for and form part of this story.

**Harry**

 

It all happened so fast, I still don't believe that it is really the end.  
How can it be? We were only just beginning to know each other.

As away missions go, it was routine enough. Go to the planet, get the  
supplies we needed, beam back aboard ship. But, routine sometimes has a  
nasty way of going awry. He was with us when we went down to the surface,  
laughing, making his usual stupid jokes, annoying the piss out of Commander  
Chakotay. I can't count the number of times I have warned him not to do  
that...yet it's some kind of perverse need in him...at least I  
should say it _was_....

It was a beautiful planet. Almost like home, he said. Reminded him of Earth,  
he said... _"looks just like Arkansas, a town called Little Rock..."_

or a picture of it that he'd seen, taken in the 20th century with autumn leaves, and the  
impression of a cool breeze in the branches.

> _"Cool breeze and autumn leaves,_  
>  slow motion daylight,  
>  _A lone pair of watchful eyes_  
>  _oversee the living_  
>  _Feel the presence all around_  
>  _A tortured soul_  
>  _A wound unhealing_  
>  _No regrets or promises_  
>  _the past is gone_  
>  _But you can still be free,_  
>  _if time will set you free."_

 

I remember talking to him the night before the mission. Sometimes, Tom could  
have this way about him, like ... looking inside himself, introspection they  
call it, but with Tom, it was usually not good when he did that. He did it  
that night, and we got talking over a drink or two in  
Sandrines...Sandrines...I don't know if I can ever go there again.

_"You know what the problem is, don't you Har?" He'd looked me in the eye,_  
_holding a beer in his hand. "We're never free. Not truly free...you know? I_  
_used to think, when I was in prison that it was the security anklet that_  
_kept me prisoner. He'd snorted at his own words. "Idiot...we're held captive_  
_by more than physical restraints, Har."_

_I frowned at him. "Tom, are you ok?"_

_"No. I suppose I'm not OK." Tom shrugged, took another mouthful of his beer_  
_and got up. "I need to sleep."_

 

_And with that he'd left. Left me sitting_ _there staring after him, left me wondering what demon was haunting him this_  
_time. Wishing he would let me in. Just once._ really _let me in behind those_  
_haunted blue eyes._

 

>   
>  _Time now to spread your wings_  
>  _To take to flight_  
>  _The life endeavour_  
>  _Aim for the burning sun_  
>  _You're trapped inside_  
>  _But you can still be free_  
>  _If time will set you free._  
>  _But it's a long long way to go_

He made his own prison. He made his own little hidden place inside where he  
hid himself away from the world, and who could blame him. I had been there  
when he first came aboard this ship. Gods I had never seen anyone take as  
much flack as he did in those early days of our mission. He locked himself  
away deep down inside himself. Erected an external veneer of sarcasm and  
bravado. But there was a wounded soul inside. I knew it was there, I could  
sense it...maybe even see it sometimes, like you are able to see shadows of  
stars through solar shields. But I could never reach it. Gods how I wanted  
to.

He lived in his own personal hell.  
He was trapped inside ... and he wouldn't let anyone drag him free.

>  
> 
> _Keep moving way up high_  
>  _You see the light, it shines forever_  
>  _Sail through the crimson skies_  
>  _The purest light_  
>  _the light that sets you free_  
>  _If time will set you free_

The Captain has decided he should be buried here, on this planet that seemed  
to remind him so much of home.  
I don't want to leave him here. God...how can I leave him here?

Chakotay stands beside me as the tears freely fall. He rests a hand on my  
shoulder. I close my eyes and let my pain flow out. I can't stop it. I can't  
help it. I am lost without him.

I remember the last few moments. There on the side of this damned mountain  
that took him from me. I remember his eyes...startling blue and clear, as  
though the pain had faded. I remember those eyes seeking me out, the weak  
gesture of a hand, calling me closer. I bent over him.

"It....it doesn't hurt anymore, Har. It's OK." He whispered. He smiled,  
there was a distance in his voice, a far away look in his eyes that I didn't  
want to see, that I wanted to wipe away. I didn't want him to go...but I  
knew I couldn't keep him here. The doctor....everyone, had done what they  
could, now...he was alone. I grabbed his hand.

"Tom!"

He smiled and shook his head. "We had some good times, Har, didn't we?"  
There was a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes as he studied me.

"Yes, Tom...we had good times...we had..." I couldn't say it...I closed my  
eyes, bowed my head and kissed his fingers which trembled in mine.

He arched his back and took a deep breath, gripped my hand until I looked  
into his eyes.

"Har," his voice was barely more than a breath. "Har, I feel like I can fly.  
I can be free."He looked away from me, seemed to be looking at something  
high above us. I even glanced up myself, but all I could see was the burning  
sun of this system, and a pitiless blue sky, rimmed with clouds stained  
crimson with the setting sun's rays.

When I looked back at him, his blue eyes turned to my face.

"I'm free," he breathed.

 

"NOOOOO! NOOOO, TOM! NOOOOOOOO!"

They had to pull me away. I was shaking him, screaming his name...I...I  
think I went crazy for a brief period...I don't remember anything but I know  
I couldn't speak for three days after...I screamed my voice away trying to  
make him come back.

>  
> 
> _Sail through the wind and rain tonight_  
>  _You're free to fly tonight_  
>  _And you can still be free_  
>  _If time will set you free_  
>  _And going higher than the mountain tops_  
>  _And go high the wind don't stop_  
>  _And go high_  
>  _Free to fly tonight_  
>  _Free to fly tonight_

We buried him there. On the planet that looked like Arkansas.  
We buried him and we left him there  
But I can't believe that he is gone.  
Sometimes, it feels like he is right there...behind some unseen wall  
I can't see him but he is there.

On the other side of Forever.


	2. Chapter 2

"Do you want to tell me what happened, Ensign?"  
  
Commander Chakotay's voice is gentle, but the steely authority of his  
command is still there, in the background. I raise my head and meet his  
eyes.

  
I've been sent here _'For counselling.'_  in Tuvok's words, after yet another  
incident of fighting in the mess hall.  
  
I sigh softly. "You have the report, sir."  
  
"Yes, I have the report. This report gives me Tuvok's take on what happened,  
and an account from Neelix." He pauses, "I want to hear your side, Harry."  
  
I stare at him in silence for a few moments. I want to talk to someone, but  
I wonder if I can really open myself up to him. The Commander has always  
seemed so ... Tom would say, 'tight assed.'  
  
At the thought of my beloved Tom's smart mouthed attitude, I break. I bow my  
head and close my eyes.  
  
"I loved him." It's a whisper, but Chakotay doesn't miss it.  
  
"I know." He pauses for a heart beat. "We all did."  
  
"I knew him. I knew him better than anyone on this ship ever did!" My voice  
grates with the anger I still feel."They didn't know him the way _I_  did!  
How could they know what was in his head that day." I look at him, my eyes  
locked to his "Tom didn't jump from that cliff, Commander! He didn't  
 _jump_!"  
  
Chakotay stares at me in silence for several seconds.  
  
"Did someone say that Ensign Paris jumped from the cliff?"  
  
"They said...they said he had been down. He was...for a long time, ever  
since...since...sure he was depressed, but he didn't...Tom wouldn't kill  
himself, he had... _we_  had so much to live for."  
  
"Is that why you hit Dalby?" Chakotay doesn't try to stop my ranting, just  
probes for the facts. "Because he said Tom killed himself."  
  
"I'm sorry, Sir." But I am not sorry for what I did. Never sorry for that.  
Tom was a brave, strong man, he wouldn't take suicide as a way out of this.  
Not Tom, not _my_  Tom. They can think what they like, but I _knew_  him.  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
"I'm standing behind you Harry, listening as you talk to Chakotay. My heart  
wrenches at the pain in your voice, the anger. I caused that. But you're  
right, I didn't jump...exactly. I fell, sure...but maybe I should have hung  
on a little harder to life, fought just a little more to stay. But I let go.  
It was easier to let go. I don't have much time before this last little  
window to my old life will be closed, but I need to be near you for now.  
Just for a little while, until this isn't so scary anymore."  
  
===Harry Kim===  
  
Suddenly, it seems as though Tom is here. I raise my head, wishing I could  
see him as well as feel. I meet Chakotay's eyes and note he is watching me  
closely.  
  
"Sometimes, I think I can feel him, nearby, you know?" I shake my head. "It  
feels like I could just look a little harder, listen a little more closely  
and I would see him, hear his voice. Crazy, huh?"  
  
"No, not crazy. My people believe that the spirits of the dead are not that  
far away from us. In another room, almost...a parallel reality perhaps. The  
Spiritual Plane is not that much separated from ours."  
  
"Yeah, I like that. I like to think he is close, it helps." I wipe the tears  
away from my eyes.  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
"Chakotay, you're helping him more than you realize, he needs someone to  
lean on. I was surprised when he started getting into fights.  
  
The first time, I tried to stop him. I stepped between him and Joannes, but  
it didn't work. His fist went right through my head. Now there's a new slant  
on weird!"  
  
===Harry Kim===  
  
"I hit Dalby because he kept saying that Tom killed himself, yes."  
  
I pause, remembering that scene in the mess hall.  
  
Dalby was there when I walked in, sitting with his pals at another table. I  
helped myself to some food, didn't care much what it was, or what it tasted  
like, nothing has any flavor anymore anyhow. I sat down to eat.  
  
Dalby raised his voice a little, the way someone does when they _want_  you  
to overhear. "Paris was always a sniveling weakling. Even in the Maquis,  
even when we came aboard this ship, Hiding behind Chakotay, couldn't stand  
up for himself."  
  
I looked over at Dalby and shook my head. _Idiot_. I tried to ignore him.  
  
"Then that crazy stunt he pulled with the Moneans, maybe the captain should  
have destroyed his 'Flyer' then, rid us all of his presence. The only loss  
there would have been Seven of Nine and..." he trailed off and looked at me,  
contempt plain in his eyes. "Yeah, Seven of Nine."  
  
I looked away. After the incident with Joannes, I knew I wouldn't be let off  
with just a warning if anything happened again. I pushed the food around on  
my plate, reminding myself this was nothing new. I'd become guilty by  
association with Tom. By choosing to befriend him, I sullied myself in the  
eyes of these people who hated him. Too bad. I loved Tom, and nothing will  
ever change that.  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
"Yeah, I'll never forget that, baby, and I have a long time ahead of me to  
remember.  
  
Gods, I didn't realize when I 'rescued' you from Quark, just what kind of a  
favor I was doing myself. I love you, too, Harry, even though you can't see  
or hear me when I say it.  
  
I say it. I shout it...once or twice, I even screamed it, trying to get  
across to you somehow, and I think...yeah, I think once, you actually heard,  
faintly. You looked up, glanced around, then shook your head. I like to  
think you heard. I have to leave soon, and I forgot to say it to you back  
there on that mountain.  
  
===Harry Kim===  
  
Dalby wasn't going to let up. He kept talking, on and on about Tom.  
  
I felt so alone. Tom would have laughed it off, had he been here, distracted  
me with his silly jokes and it would not have got to me the way it did  
today.  
  
Then, Dalby made the final stroke.  
  
"It's just so like him to take the easy way out. He couldn't face it  
anymore, huh, Kim? He couldn't tough it out any longer...that cliff was his  
lucky ticket to escape, huh?"  
  
I got so angry...I didn't even think. I got up from the table, I threw my  
plate at him, he came up out of his seat and charged at me.  
  
Then, suddenly, he was on his back on the floor, I was sitting on his chest  
with my hands at his throat. I lost it, I wanted nothing more than to see  
him dead. Dead...  
  
Tom's dead. I've lost the one person in this universe who meant more to me  
than anyone else.  
  
I look at Chakotay. "Sir. I'll accept any discipline you think  
necessary."  
  
Chakotay shakes his head slightly. "We'll discuss that later, Ensign. For  
now, I want you to go and see the Doctor, get him to give you something to  
help you sleep. Get some rest, and I want you to report to me again  
tomorrow, at 13.00."  
  
"Yes Sir." I stand and move towards the door. My body moves, but I don't  
have any conscious part in that. Since Tom died, everything is on auto  
pilot.  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
"I'm walking alongside you along the hallway.  
  
Strange how my feet don't seem to touch the floor any longer. I've been  
feeling more and more unattached as the ship moves further away. They keep  
telling me I have to go back. I know I will have to soon. But I want to make  
sure you're OK first, Harry.  
  
You walk as though you're not really in control. I worry about you, your  
eyes look so empty. Please be OK, Harry. You have to be. I will be able  
to rest if you are."


	3. Chapter 3

I waken slowly, surrounded by a sense of warmth and comfort which has not  
been there before.  
  
For a moment, I forget reality and call his name. "Tom?"  
  
Rolling over, I find the dead, lead-weight of my grief and loss awaiting me  
at the sight of his untouched pillow. I reach for it, burying my face in  
it...his smell is still there, though it is fading. Fading away like...like  
a whisper on a summer breeze. Like the last fading whisper of his breath. I  
cry quietly. Missing him, and aching for his touch.  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
I hear you call my name, and in an instant I am there, right there beside  
you, watching you cry and wishing I could touch you.  
  
Oh Harry...I'm so sorry...it was easy to step across the divide...too  
easy...and it's impossible for me to step back.  
  
I hope that Chakotay will be able to help you through this. The emptiness in  
your eyes frightens me.  
  
===Harry Kim===  
  
I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. Glancing into the mirror, I  
note that I look slightly less terrible than I did last night.  
  
Whatever it was the doc gave me, it sure made me sleep. A glance at the  
chrono confirms I have been out 11 hours. More sleep than I have had in...  
is it really a month, Tom. Have you been gone that long?  
  
===Tom Paris==  
  
I follow you. I stand behind you as you look into the mirror. I can't see  
me. I've forgotten actually, what I used to look like. How weird, as if it  
is the mirror, that tells us who we are.  
  
I remember reading a quote from a 20th century author, he said: "Unless we  
look into a mirror we have no identity, but we go around borrowing the  
identities of everyone we talk to."  
  
I laughed.  
  
But it's not funny anymore. Who are you, when the mirror says you're no-one?  
  
===Harry Kim===  
  
A shower, something from the replicator for breakfast. I can't face the mess  
hall today, and Tom left me his rations.  
  
Cold toast and congealed eggs, liberally salted with my tears, washed down  
with my grief. _God Tom...I need you._  
  
I go to work. There is nothing else to do. I stand at my station, staring  
blindly at flashing lights. My brain numbed still. My hands moving  
through the motions of doing my job.  
  
I look at Gerron, sitting in _his_  chair. It's unreasonable I know, but I  
hate Gerron. Taking _his_  place, slotting so neatly into _his_  role...it is  
almost as though Tom never was.  
  
No-one else seems to miss him the way _I_  do.  
  
We bury our dead. We mourn them...oh so briefly, and life goes on. I used to  
believe that life went on.  
  
===Tom Paris==  
  
I watch them all.  
  
I watch Harry, looking around himself as though he had woken up one morning  
and found himself here.  
  
He reminds me of Alice, in through the looking glass. He doesn't seem to  
fit. Yet, here he is. Curiouser and curiouser. Except...I am the one who  
stepped through the mirror.  
  
I am the one who doesn't belong here.  
  
Yesterday, I was walking just a few inches above the floor.  
  
Today I notice I am 'standing' somewhere between the floor and the Bridge's  
hand rail. I feel the tugging, the cord that binds me to that damned planet,  
pulling on me, but I resist. I can't go.  
  
Not yet.  
  
===Harry Kim==  
  
"Ensign."  
  
The voice is insistent, jerking me out of my thoughts. I blink a few times,  
turn to look for who has spoken.  
  
"Commander Tuvok?" I wonder if I have done something wrong, missed something. The  
security officer's eyes study my face carefully for a moment.  
  
"You have an appointment at 13:00," he says. "It is 12:55."  
  
"Oh." I nod, still only semi-attached to my physical self. "Thank you, sir."  
  
Tuvok nods and steps aside, but I notice as I pass him, something, sympathy?  
Concern? Flickering in the depths of his eyes. I shake my head and walk on.  
I've imagined it, of course. Tuvok wouldn't allow that to show, even if he  
felt it.  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
I watch you walk off the bridge and into the turbolift, but something causes  
me to stay behind. It's Tuvok. I stare at him, watching as his eyes follow  
you off the bridge before he returns to his station.  
  
This is ... intriguing. I approach him, a thought takes me right up to him,  
face to face. I stare into the depths of those dark eyes in wonder. He is...  
Harry, I don't believe this, but I swear he's worried about you!  
  
I stand there in front of his station and some stupid notion grips me.  
 _Vulcans are Touch telepaths, aren't they?_  
  
On an impulse I reach for his hand on the console, staring into his face as  
I make a shadowy contact.  
  
"Tuvok!"  
  
Nothing...  
  
No wait...he tenses...I god damn swear he looks me in the eyes.  
  
"Tuvok...tell him...Tell Harry I love him! Please! Tell him...Tell him to be  
happy..."  
  
But he looks away and I don't know if he heard me or not.  
  
===Harry Kim===  
  
I sit in Chakotay's office, listening to him talk.  
  
I don't actually hear what he is saying, but the words sound soothing. I nod  
now and again to let him know I am...not quite listening. I'm letting his voice wash over me  
in a soothing cadence.  
  
"Harry?" His voice calls me softly and I look into his dark, dark eyes. I  
realize he has expected some verbal response to his words.  
  
"Sorry...I..."  
  
"I asked if you got any sleep since yesterday?"  
  
"Yes, Sir. Eleven hours." I sigh, I still don't feel very refreshed.  
  
"Good. That's good, Harry." Chakotay smiles. "You can call me Chakotay when  
we're here. All right?"  
  
"Yes, Si-Chakotay." I catch myself and say his name. "Thank you."  
  
"Tell me, Harry, how do you feel?"  
  
 _How do I feel? How does it look like I feel?_  I stare at him in silence.  
  
Chakotay doesn't say anything, he just stares into my eyes, waiting. I think  
of a thousand things to say, but nothing comes out of my mouth. I keep my  
eyes locked to his until the air around us seems to crackle and suddenly  
frighteningly. I realize. I know. I _know_ what I feel.  
  
I stand up and some sound I have never heard breaks into the room...a  
howl...a...scream...God I don't know what it is but it is filled with rage  
and pain and loneliness and...and it came from me!  
  
Chakotay closes his eyes, he seems to draw in on himself, and yet, I am  
powerfully aware that he is with me.  
  
I draw a deep breath, the sound comes from my chest again. I howl and scream  
and rage until I am shaken to the core with the depth of my feelings...over  
and over....  
  
NOOOOOO! NOOOOOO! NOOOOOO! I want him back! I want him back! I want...

  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
I hear your screams. I know no-one else can except for Chakotay.  
  
I hear them. Each one tears at me. It hurts. It hurts so much to hear you.  
  
I don't come to you. I want to. But something tells me, this time,  
you have to face it alone. I 'stand' there...hovering near Gerron,  
watching him fly my ship, and I wish I could cry.


	4. Chapter 4

I haven't been near you since you left the bridge. Not really near. I know  
that you're resting now. The strange thing about being the way I am is that  
I can know what is happening in different parts of the ship all at one time.  
  
You're sleeping now, in sick bay, exhausted after your 'talk' with Chakotay.  
Your screams seemed to go on for hours. Eventually they quietened, eased to  
broken sobs, and Chakotay had you transferred to sick bay.  
  
I looked in on you, from a distance, and then I came here. Back to this  
place I found myself in after I let go on that mountainside. When I took  
that tiny step and was suddenly free...so very free. It's beautiful, Harry.  
It's like...being inside joy. I can come and go from here as I please. I  
come here to rest.  
  
Visiting your world is so tiring. So...draining, it leaves me weak, Har I  
know you'd understand, if you could be here. You will when you come here.  
  
I don't know what this place is called...maybe it is heaven. Hey whaddya  
know. Tom Paris made it into heaven.  
  
I'll have to go soon, Harry. But I need to find some way to let you know  
first. I need to tell you I love you. Then I can go. If you will let me go.  
  
Yeah, Har. I thought at first that I was coming back to you because I wanted  
to. Yeah...of course I _wanted_  to. But there is more to it, Har, you're  
holding me. Calling me.  
  
I am being pulled from your side and from this side. It's ... strange I want  
to go, and I want to stay...but it is getting harder. If I float any further  
off the damn floor I will be head and shoulders into the ceiling. I'm not  
sure I like...wait a minute...what's that?  
  
I heard a noise. But...but there is no 'sound' here. Not the way you  
understand sound anyway. There it is again. I turn around.  
  
"God..."  
  
"Not quite," she says matter-of-factly.  
  
Yes she is definitely a _she_. She spoke to me...right into my heart. Not  
words like we would use...but speech. Pure speech without making a physical  
sound. What is she...a dog? No a fox... a little white fox.  
  
She's gotta be one of them. The ones who have spoken to me ever since I came  
here. But I have never seen one of them before. I stare at her. Her eyes are  
black. Deep, dark, glittering, black and they shine with the wisdom of  
...aeons.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Myfanwe." She gets to her feet and turns away from me trotting quickly  
across this expanse of...whatever it is. "Follow."  
  
Oh yeah, like I had any choice in the matter!  
  
Something inside me tugs and I am compelled to go with her. It is a familiar  
tug. The same tug I feel when you call for me in your sleep or when you're  
crying alone and I have to come. But it is slightly different.  
More...controlled.  
  
She stops after a while. Drops to her belly on the non-existant floor.  
  
"We wait."  
  
After what might have been seconds or hours...god you can't keep track of  
time here, a voice speaks from somewhere. A voice I know. A voice I have  
learned to trust over time. The rich cadence rolls around us like  
wind...like a breeze and I suddenly have the sense of a breeze kicking  
autumn leaves about.  
  
"Hakuchimaya, on this day of days, grant that I might speak to the spirit of  
my father. The one the wind calls, Kolopak."  
  
"Chakotay?" I take a step forward, something inside me suddenly leaping to  
life. "Chakotay!"  
  
There is silence for what might be several heart beats. It is almost as  
though I _hear_  my heart beating. Impossible, but then, we are so tied into  
the physical it is probably not unusual.  
  
"Tom?"  
  
I close my eyes. If I could, I would weep with relief.  
  
"He does not see you." The fox speaks in her silent heart to heart words and  
looks up at me.  
  
"Why not? Why can't he see? Isn't he here?"  
  
"He is here, and he is not."  
  
"That makes no sense."  
  
"Sense is a mortal concept."  
  
No arguing with _that!_  "But he hears. He does hear me, doesn't he?"  
  
"He dreams." She moves closer to me, nudges against my hand with her nose  
which for some crazy reason I notice, is not wet or cold.  
  
"Oh great. That's a lot of help! I thought you came to help me!?" For the  
first time I let my frustration show.  
  
"I am a guide. You must find your own way, I can only show the direction to  
take."  
  
She nudges me again and I stumble forward. Big push for such a little fox. I  
glance back but she is gone, leaving a whisper of her voice behind. _See_.  
  
Pow! I am in mortal world or...parallel plane or whatever the hell you want  
to call it. In Chakotay's quarters. What the?  
  
"Okay, Commander." I float above his bed, looking down on him. "You're the  
spiritual giant here. Tell me what I am supposed to see?"  
  
Harry, you woulda laughed. You and I...we woulda had a ball with this. You  
wanna know what he said? Actually, I dunno what he said or what it meant,  
but it sounded like "snxzerk!"  
  
"This is not funny, Chakotay. This 'guide' brought me here. She must have a  
reason...you said once there was a reason for everything. So I'm willing to  
accept that. What is the reason?"  
  
He rolls over and groans in his sleep. He calls my name. "Tom! Tom Paris!"  
  
"Holy shit, what's happening?" The tugging is there..."Oh god, oh god!  
No..." I fight, using all my will not to let this happen. "No! No! Stop...oh  
ohhh shiiit!"  
  
He gasps. I gasp...the hell with it, _we_  gasp! our eyes fly open and  
we...he...I sit up in bed! "Shit! What's happening?"  
  
Did he say that or me?  
  
I'm scared...I panic...there's the sound of a heartbeat, real this time.  
Loud and frantic in my ears.  
  
"No, no...this is all wrong..help me!" I feel hands grip my head, but  
they're not my hands, it's not my head... "Holy Christ...Holy  
Christ...Help!"  
  
 _Okay...easy...relax. Think_. It's Chakotay's voice, steady and calm. I  
close my eyes and he closes his too while we both concentrate on calming  
ourselves.  
  
 _It was a dream. Just a dream._  
  
"It's not a dream. Trust me...this is no dream."  
  
He tenses.  
  
"Oh god..what am I gonna do?"  
  
Then I get an idea. I don't know if it is his idea or mine, but I think it  
is worth a try. I think hard about where I was a moment ago. Floating above  
him. Near the ceiling. And here I am. Looking down at him and he is looking  
at me. I don't know whether to laugh, or cry or say something smart. In the  
end I don't do anything.  
  
He stares up at me for a long moment in silence and I find myself wondering  
if he can even see me. Then he says my name. "Tom."  
  
I head for the far corner of the room! There's no way I am staying that  
close when he starts calling my name again.  
  
"Tom, Wait!"  
  
Now I know he can see me anyway. I turn and look at him.  
  
His dark eyes narrow. "How did you get here?"  
  
"I never left, really. I can't. I...there's something I hafta do."  
  
"Harry."  
  
I nod. "Harry."  
  
"I can help. I think."  
  
"I hope so. I'm tired, Chakotay. I need to go back."  
  
He nods "Go back, and wait for me."  
  
"OK." I smile, and I know now, it's gonna be alright, Harry.


	5. Chapter 5

===Tom Paris===

 

Chakotay has been gone for some time. I think. I can never keep track of time passing here. But I feel I have been waiting a long time. I don't know. I guess he has gone to get you, Harry. I hope he can make this work. I hope things will be okay. 

While I wait, I let my mind wander, thinking back over how things were when I was living. 

You know, we spend a whole lot of time, in life, worrying about death, and how to avoid it. 

Immunizations, special diets...all manner of things designed to hold off that moment...in the end, that's all it is you know. Just a moment, a breath, a step, from one life into another. 

I wonder why we're so afraid of it? It didn't even hurt, Harry. 

Well, sure the injuries I got in the fall hurt. I was human, I was mortal. Yeah that fall hurt, but dying...releasing the last fluttering breath...that didn't hurt at all. I was kinda surprised. 

I want to tell everyone not to be so afraid. Death is very overrated. Instead of spending so much time worrying about dying, we should spend our time living! 

God, Harry, I wasted so much time worrying about staying alive, I forgot how to really live. 

 

===Harry Kim=== 

 

I waken with the strange, half giddy sensation caused by being brought 'round with a stimulant. Blinking against the light in sick bay, I make out the faces of Commander Chakotay and the Doctor standing by my side. I manage a weak smile and struggle to sit up. 

Chakotay places a hand on my shoulder and nods to the doctor, who walks away. I look up at Chakotay to find his dark eyes searching mine. 

"Harry, I have something to talk to you about. The Doctor has given his permission," he says.

  
I stare at him in silence. Something in his tone tells me this is very important. 

"It's about Tom." 

For a moment, hope springs up inside me. This has all been some terrible dream. Tom isn't really dead. I have conjured up this whole nightmare in my own subconscious. Even as I think it, I know, that it's not true. Tom is dead, there is nothing that can change that fact. 

"What about Tom?" I flinch away from it, but at the same time, I want to know. 

Chakotay sits down beside my bed. He takes hold of my hand in both his own. I am surprised by that action, but I don't pull away. He begins to talk.  
 

===Tom Paris=== 

 

Pacing. I'm actually Pacing? God, and I thought there was no concept of time here. I don't know maybe it hasn't been that long, but it feels like an eternity. No joke. It feels like I have been waiting here forever. 

What's happening in your world, Harry? I wish I knew. But he told me to wait, and I guess right now, Chakotay is the one who knows how best to handle things. I have to trust him. There is no-one else.  
 

===Harry Kim=== 

 

I pace to and fro in sick bay. Chakotay gave up trying to hold me down, I needed to get on my feet. I think better when I walk around. I can't believe what he is telling me. Tom? Here? On the ship! 

Well, maybe not _Tom,_  Tom, but a part of him. A precious part of him and he's been trying to make contact with me! 

"I knew! I told you...you remember...I told you that day when I hit Dalby. I _told_  you Tom was here." 

"Yes, you did. I believed you. I believe you. I've seen Tom myself." Chakotay is calm. A serene foil to my nervous energy. 

"Can I see him? Talk to him?" 

"It may be possible, but, Harry, it takes some special preparations." 

"Yes. Sure. Anything, Commander. I'll do anything, but I just have to see him." I crouch down in front of him and make eye contact. "Please." 

"All right. But, I wont mislead you. Tom Paris is dead, nothing can make that go away, Harry. He is dead, and he will still _be_ dead, even after you see him. Understood?" 

"Yeah...I understand." I understand too well, but he grips my arm and shakes me gently. 

"Look at me Harry. This is important. What we're doing is not going to bring Tom back. What we're doing ... it's going to...set him free." 

Staring into his eyes, I read the firm resolve in them. He is decided. I almost shake my head, but I stop myself. I bite my lips. "Set him free?" 

"He has to go, Harry. He is being held between worlds. It is not right." 

I feel tears flood to my eyes. "I can see him...but it means...I have to let him go. That's what you're telling me?" 

"I'm sorry." Chakotay nods. His dark eyes are full of compassion and I feel my breath hitch as I struggle for composure. "I...can't." 

"You can. You feel that you can't, but if you love him, you can." 

Closing my eyes, I think about that for a long time. You know, Tom, that I am not a strong man. I am not brave. Not like you. Not without you. It was your love that made me strong, your belief in me that gave me courage. Now, When I need your strength the most, I am alone. Oh god, Tom. How can I face this? 

 

===Tom Paris=== 

 

I feel the tugging and I know that you are thinking of me. I take a step towards the small portal, wanting to go to you, feeling your pain already, before I have even crossed over. 

The fox appears out of nowhere, standing in front of me. 

"Stay," she says. A quiet command, but one I find myself unable to ignore. I stare into her wise dark eyes. "Stay. He must do this himself. The decision must be his alone." 

I step back, closing my eyes against non-existent tears. Why can't I cry? I can feel...yet I can't cry. No tears will come. _Please, Harry. You're strong, you can do this. You were the one who made me brave, baby. You can face this, and you wont be alone, Chakotay and I will be there.  
_

===Harry Kim=== 

 

Finally, I draw a deep breath and look into Chakotay's eyes. "When?" 

"He's waiting. Soon. There are some things I need to do first. Some things you need to learn." 

 

===Tom Paris=== 

 

I'm not there in your world, but, I feel your decision. I _know_! There is a sensation like...like...the unwinding of a coil. The Fox looks towards the portal then back to me. 

"He has chosen," she says softly. "He will come." 

 

===Harry Kim=== 

For three days, Chakotay takes me into his quarters. He got the Captain to give us both leave, except if there is an emergency. 

When he said there were things I had to learn, I didn't realize exactly what was in store. Most of the time, he has spent, teaching me how to meditate. And each time, he is with me, and he talks me through it quietly. He keeps telling me to imagine a safe place and imagine myself there. It took me a while to get that right, but it works now. I can easily slip into this place. A field near where I grew up. A place where I spent a lot of time. I like it here. It is quiet and restful. There are woods nearby. 

On the third day he tells me to begin searching for someone. An animal, he says it will be. 

I look, and Chakotay prays, and sometimes I think I am never going to find this animal, this guide he speaks of. But I have to. Tom is depending on me. I search. 

I begin to despair. "I don't think I will ever find..." I trail off mid sentence. There was a flicker of movement at the edge of the field. 

"Focus, Harry." His voice is soft, the words breathed out as he maintains the trance. "Your guide is there, I can sense her, but you are the one who must call her to you."

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

===Harry Kim===  
  
I slept. I didn't think I would. But I woke when I heard Chakotay moving  
around in the other room. I got up and walked out to sit at the small table.  
He smiled at me. He asked me how I felt.  
  
It's strange, since meeting the deer yesterday, I am strangely at peace.  
Everything fits, somehow, though I don't know how it changed or why.  
  
I tell him I feel OK. He seems satisfied with that, offers me breakfast and I  
realize that, for the first time; Today I am hungry. Truly hungry.  
  
We eat, not speaking much, taking care of nutritional needs, each occupied  
with his own thoughts. Soon, I know it will be 'the next sunrise,' and we  
will meditate...I still don't know how I am going to face this. I finish my  
meal and push the plate aside. Tom feels very close this morning. A breath  
away.  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
  
Not quite a breath away, but close. Yeah I am close, but there is an  
invisible barrier now. I can see you, hear you, but I can't come to you  
anymore. They say that I can't step past that boundary anymore. They say the  
time to leave has come. I know they are right, but just one last time, I  
need to be able to touch you. I watch you eating breakfast with Chakotay and  
I know that you will be OK once I am gone, but I hope too, that this idea of  
Chakotay's will work. Everything is depending on it, Har.  
  
It depends on you, too. I hope that today, when you come to me, and we meet  
for the last time, that you will be able to let me go. I can't stay, Har,  
it's tearing me apart. I can't stay and I can't go unless you let me. God  
Har. I love you so much.  
  
I move towards you, put my hands against the barrier that forever will  
separate me from the living and watch you. I want to weep. But the tears  
won't come.  
  
===Harry Kim===

  
We finish the breakfast Chakotay made and Chakotay sits on the floor with his medicine bundle.  
I watch as he unfolds the rawhide wrapping with such  
reverence.  
  
When all is ready he looks up and calls my name. I feel a small  
shiver run through me. It is time.  
  
In a dream, light years away from myself, I get up and move to sit,  
cross-legged, facing Chakotay. He bows his head, we both close our eyes. For  
a long time the only sound I am aware of is my own breath, and my heavily  
beating heart. Soon though, even the fluttering rhythm of fear and  
uncertainty fades away. I focus on my breath. In...out...life, spirit, air,  
water, fire...the elements that make up existence, it is all like a natural  
order, something I have always known on some level, but never, until now,  
touched in a conscious way.  
  
Slowly, I become aware of sounds outside my own breathing. I hear Chakotay's  
voice, soft and reverent, speaking the ancient words of the meditation  
chant. My voice joins his as we call to the spirits of this place to seek  
for us the one whom the wind calls. Paris.  
  
  
===Tom Paris===  
  
  
I hear them speak my name, it is like a whisper, silvery, shimmering on an  
autumn wind. Why is it autumn here when Chakotay speaks? I ask one of those  
with me but she shakes her head and says it is not necessary to know.  
  
It might not be necessary, but I am still human enough to be curious. The  
tugging comes. Pulling at some place inside me, I am compelled to move closer  
to them. Chakotay, and not Harry is the focus as I walk towards them, I  
think for a moment that this is strange, but the wolf says it is right that  
this should be so. I nod and accept it.  
  
The fox is there. And the fawn. Gentle creatures that bring peace and  
comfort with them, a balance to the wild strength of the wolf. She is the  
one who scares me most with her silver eyes and sharp features, and even  
though I am scared of her, I know she would never harm me. Perhaps the fear  
is a leftover from mortality. One of the few remnants I still possess.  
  
I stand behind Chakotay and close my eyes. They have explained to me what  
will happen. I am scared. It wasn't the most pleasant experience the first  
time. I wonder what it will be like this time.  
  
"You will understand, and it will be easier this time."  
  
I didn't speak the thought, but the fox has answered, her words in my soul  
like honey to a raw throat. I meet her eyes and find peace.  
  
"I'm ready."  
  
  
===Chakotay and Harry===  
  
  
"We call upon the spirits of this plane to seek for us, the soul of the one  
whom the wind calls, Paris...."  
  
  
===Chakotay===  
  
  
I feel him there. It is like so many times before when I have called my  
father, Kolopak, like and yet unlike, for this time we delve into a place I  
have never been, this time not only do I call to speak with the soul of one  
who has died...this time, I ask to give that soul myself...my being and let  
him use it. I know there is a great risk involved and yet, I know it is  
something I must do. I never questioned that.  
  
The Spirits would never have allowed our souls to touch if this were not their  
will.

  
===Harry Kim===

  
  
Eyes closed, I pray. I call his name over and over. There is no fear, there  
is an intense feeling of calm and peace. I know that Tom is here, I know if  
I just look up I will see him. I hesitate for a moment, Chakotay's voice  
falters and stops and suddenly the field appears, I open my eyes and stare  
in wonder at the sight that meets my gaze.  
  
Tom is there, Chakotay is here too, but I can't see him.  
  
On either side of Tom stands a being, radiant, beautiful...I hardly dare to  
look at them, they have the form of the deer and the fox, but there is so  
much more to them than I noticed before.  
  
For a moment, terror grips my heart.  
  
"Harry." Tom says. It's him...oh god, it really is him. I can't speak. I  
can't move I stare at him. I feel tears roll down my cheeks.  
  
"Tom! Oh, Tom!"

  
  
===Tom Paris===

  
  
For a moment, I am stunned. I feel alive. I feel...god, I don't know what I  
feel. I lift a hand to my face to touch the moisture there. Weird...tears...  
  
Looking at Harry I notice the same wetness on his cheeks too. Oh, God, can  
this really be possible? I take a hesitant step forward. Then another...I  
expect the barrier to stop me and when it doesn't I break into a run. I  
reach for him, sweep him into my arms.  
  
"Harry! Harry!" Pull him close. Hold him. Bury my face in his sweet  
smelling hair and hold him. "Harry."

  
  
===Harry Kim===

  
  
It's joy...unspeakable, unimaginable. I can't describe it. He holds me close  
and murmurs my name. It is what I have longed for in the long long nights  
since we were parted on that mountain. I cling to him and sob, feel him  
shaking too with his tears as he holds me. Blindly we seek each other out,  
past seeing, past thought as our lips meet in a kiss, tender and passionate.  
His mouth, sweet and warm on mine, sealing the promise of an eternal love. I  
kiss him back, giving myself to him in a way I never had before.

  
  
===Tom Paris===

  
  
His mouth is as sweet and responsive as I remembered, he is warm and soft  
and alive, god...I had forgotten so quickly, the sensation of touch, the  
utter joy of it. I wonder, fleetingly, if I will ever feel anything again  
after today, but I push that away.  
  
I pull back and stare into his eyes. My fingers gently trace every feature,  
committing it to memory. I smile through my tears.  
  
"I love you." I whisper the words and watch the expressions that flicker  
across his face. "I know." I read the pain in his eyes. "I know...I forgot  
to say it...I had to stay. To let you know, Har. I love you...so much. You  
didn't think I would go without telling you that?"

  
  
===Harry Kim===

  
  
"I'm so sorry, Tom." reaching up, I brush the tears away from his beautiful  
eyes. "I had no right to hold you." I look at him, studying him, I notice the  
tiredness in his face. I know you have to go, Tom. I know I can't keep you  
here, but I needed you to say goodbye...to be able to let you go. I love you,  
too, and I know I have to let you go now."  
  
He smiles and the tiredness and strain seems to drain away, he looks at me  
with eyes so sharp and clear. Suddenly, I know that he is free. The distant  
look is there as he looks up towards the sky, but somehow, this time, that  
look doesn't scare me. He returns his gaze to my face and I see the  
hesitation that flickers in the depths of his eyes.  
  
"It's OK, Tom. I want you to be free. I'll...be OK. I know now, that you're  
not that far away. I love you."

  
  
===Tom Paris===

  
  
I take him in my arms again. I draw him close and touch my lips to his one  
last time.  
  
The tugging is there, insistent. Impossible to ignore. The fox  
says it is time.  
  
I hold him, hold him...but I can feel him fading away, there is an imperious  
tug and I am free, floating in the air, behind the barrier watching two men,  
mortal men, clinging to each other, their lips locked in a sweet, passionate  
kiss, their faces wet with mortal tears.  
  
One older, one young, two dark heads, close together. Arms, clinging, holding  
each other close. I know them, I know the wind calls them by name, but right  
now, I can't recall those names. But I know I love them both.  
One because he was my mate in life and the other, because he made me the  
most beautiful gift I could ever ask of anyone, and he made it without my  
having to ask.  
  
I watch them, but, even now, they're fading from my sight. The light...all  
pervading, pure light dazzles and I can no longer see.  
  
High above me, a bright sun blazes and down here there is a cool breeze, and  
autumn leaves and everything is timeless, like slow motion.  
  
I am free and they are a distant memory. I am told that I will see them  
come. It's not important when. I am free. Time has set me free.

 

* * *

 

 

> _"Keep moving way up high_  
>  _You see the light, it shines forever_  
>  _Sail through the crimson skies_  
>  _The purest light_  
>  _the light that sets you free_  
>  _If time will set you free_  
>  You can still be free  
>  Savage Garden
> 
>  


End file.
